Forgiveness

Can you truly forgive someone without saying so to their face?  I have never hated anyone in my life until I had a family member hurt me to the point where I almost lost it.  This person did almost the same exact thing to me twice, years apart, which made it so bad.  The hurt was so deep and bitter I learned what hate was.  I forgave once and what hurt the most was the fact that this person did it to me again.  That I didn't learn my lesson the first time and watch my back.  That I truly loved and believed they would never betray me like that again because they said so and they claimed the stupidity of youth.

So can you forgive someone and let go without having to see them?  I believe that I have forgiven but want nothing what so ever to do with them again.  I lived through breast cancer and lung cancer and have learned to value my friends and family deeply. I also feel I have no time to waste on someone whom I cannot trust and who crushed me the two times in my life when things were the worst for me.  The first betrayal was during the death of my first daughter. Funny how this person swears up and down it was not at that time. But not only do my friends and family remember, I kept a diary of my daughters short life span and all was recorded.  The second was years later when finally "the family" was back together and I was going through both the breast cancer and lung cancer at the same time.  

Am I fooling myself?  Have I not forgiven?  I know I have not forgotten.  I talk to this persons children and love them and do not down them to the kids. (Except for when it first happened)  But I know I never want to be in a room with this person.  Not so much because of hate, but because I am done with them and do not want to waste any of my life on them.   I know one day we will come face to face and maybe they may want to talk.  But how does that saying go?  Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.  There will never be a third time.  I guarantee it. I guess after reading this, I still have strong feelings.  But I don't think it is hate any longer.  Just disgust and a strong feeling of wanting to keep my distance. So I guess the question is not can you forgive someone without being face to face, but it becomes can I make peace within myself to the point where the question no longer matters?   

First things

You know I have often thought that the first thing I would ever say to God given the chance to have a sit down with him would be that "you have one heck of an imagination"  If I were given the ability to create for one day or even one hour, some type of animal, from birth to death would I be able to do so? I think I might be able to come up with 2 or 3 but doubt any more then that.  I look at all the millions of animals, bugs, birds, fish etc and  just can not comprehend how one could come up with all the colors, looks and the eating and breeding habits of each and every creature.  I'm not saying that would be the only conversation I would have.  I have tons of questions but for some strange reason that has always been one of the first things I have ever though I would like to ask God. This is a childhood thought that has never gone away. I do think that thought popped into my head sometime during church when I was little and trying to follow what the preacher was saying.

Seriously, think about it.  I mean look at the lowly (and awful) mosquito.  Nasty little creature but in the bigger picture, it has it's place. I tell myself that every time I'm bitten!  It sucks blood to fatten up (I know that, that is not all it sucks blood for but follow me here), and in turn feeds fish and bats and birds (and I know not what else).  The fish and the other mosquito eating things, in turn feed something else (without going into such detail as to bore one) all to ultimately end up on our plates. Now I know I would never, ever have been able to come up with a food chain like that.   Shoot, left to me, I would have vegetables tasting like meat and not having to resort to eating a Bambi or Charlotte.

Now don't even get me started on mating habits of animals!  Biting heads off after mating like the Praying Mantis....I have never been able to figure out the purpose of that one except maybe she gets off so hard and it drives her so nuts that she has to pop off the head of the one who made her that wild to ensure they couldn't do that for another female.  Heck, it would keep the cheating down <laughing>  But really, it's crazy how each species breeds, eats, and lives. And all the wild and varied looks.  Now, wouldn't you agree....God does indeed have one heck of an imagination.  :)

Fish Pond

Currently I am the proud owner of a small, pea green, fish pond.  It is a work in progress.  Created last July 2010 by myself and my brother-in-law, it measures 6 foot by 8 foot.  It is a plain hole in the ground.  It remains undecorated as it seems we did not dig it deep enough so I have not placed the rocks or any landscaping in order to see if the fish survive the winter. How do I know it is not deep enough you ask?  In the heat of summer, I had a lot of my goldfish go belly up from the water getting so hot.  But I solved that problem with a super sized umbrella and water plants. They survived the summer so now to survive the winter.  I thought if they did, I would not re-dig the hole as we had to go through 18 inches of clay.   I have 8 out of the 10 goldfish that were in the pond before winter hit so it appears it is deep enough to survive the past winter we just had.  But it seems the water is now currently a pea green color and I seem not to be able to get it to clear up.

A visit to Koizilla, a local fishpond store, has resulted in quite the surprise for me.  I was informed I am not the happy owner of a fishpond like I thought I was, but that I am the unwitting owner of a water garden.  The size, depth and gallons of water contained do not add up to what is considered a fish pond.  Oh well, I am happy with my water garden/fish pond, except for the pea green soup that has replaced the cool clear water that once filled my pond. I have a working pump, an umbrella (very large) to shade the pond, and I am currently doing water changes almost daily, not to mention all the chemicals I have put in to try and clear up the algae.  I change at least a quarter of water per day.  I pump water out, put water in and use a net to stir up the water to try and catch any dead leaves that have accumulated on the bottom.  My goldfish seem to love this as they swim vigorously toward the net that I am stirring the water with. I am ashamed to say I have whacked one or two of them with the pole as it is hard to see them through the green fog.  But, they survive so I can't be doing to bad.

My brother-in-law suggests I pump all the water out, taking care to remove the fish, and power wash the entire inside of my pond.  Excuse me if I keep referring to this hole as my pond.  I prefer to think of it as a fish pond vice a water garden as the words "fish pond" has so much power and brings to mind beauty and large powerful fish vice water garden.  Water garden just brings to my mind a little pot of water making a tinkling sound from a little spray of water splashing about ( gotta admit, I had one of those for years <laughing>).  I'm getting sidetracked.  Cleaning the fish pond is something I am determined not to do as this would mean I can not maintain clear water and would have to do this major scrubbing yearly.  Ugh.  Tomorrow I try a different chemical, a different tactic.